Perspective

One side and then suddenly the other.
I guess I'm fortunate.
Reinvention is a lengthy process, but my environment has encouraged and accepted it.
It smells like winter.

I'm bursting from every seam.
I'm allowed to make baby steps...but i cringe as others do too.
Two faces are supposed to be a bad thing...but i definitely have both.
I guess it's all based on perspective.

Shaken

3:45am- Broad Street and Cecil B. Moore Ave. I'm just driving into work do do the early shift.
I watch as a blue car runs the red light and smashes head on into a silver car.
Without warning, the silver car floors it, and smashes into the drivers side of my little red saturn.
I was T-boned.

I spun for a while out of control until the curb broke the spin and landed me on the sidewalk.
The silver car just missed plummeting into the subway.
The blue car was in the middle of the street.
Nobody had even called the police.

I keep playing it over and over again in my head.
Its still hard to put myself behind that wheel yesterday morning, or in the hospital 3 hours later getting X-rays of my back and neck.
I was lucky.
The drivers were drunk.

Please...If you love your family, Friends, Husbands, Wives, Children, Boyfriends or Girlfriends, you will never get behind the wheel after having a drink.
Someone was watching over me...I guess it just wasn't my time yet.

Graffiti

So this is what I found written on the back of my stall door a few days ago.

Instead of the traditional bad language or scrawled telephone number of a scorned lover, I found this.

The funny part is, it's exactly what i needed to hear as my life has become one of constant chaos and utter imperfection.

What someone took two seconds to graffiti on the back of a bathroom door, I needed to see in order to understand.

It wasn't the only thing that I found inside of this apparent "stall of inspiration". There were bible passages and a really interesting dialogue between one graffiti artist and the rest of the Temple University woman's bathroom community:



Someone who needed to hear it found an audience that spoke back.
And maybe more then just the original scrawler needed to hear that advice.
A common theme was, "Love yourself first".

Thanks Anonymous Graffiti Artists.

When I grow Up...

I want things now.
I hate waiting, and I find that I am incredibly impatient.
I rush through the good so I can find the better, many times without finding that greener grass.
I always wish that the world would see me now, and the potential that I have, rather then waiting until after I have that piece of paper.

I wonder if in 40 years I'll look back and see that I didn't indulge enough in the present.
I wonder if I'll have regrets...my worst fear.
I wonder if I am alone in this, by myself with the feeling of wanting more...needing more.
I always thought I'd have the answers by this time, but I am realizing that life doesnt work on a time schedule.

If life doesn't have the answers, time does...and time is never on my side.
When I grow up I want to have the answers.

Fall

It rained last night. The kind of rain that impairs your vision and makes your tires slip around corners. I had to squint to see through my exhausted eyes. I was too tired to cry, or to feel. Sometimes that's a feeling I relish.

I walked around campus today. It's cold and orange and yellow and perfect weather for hand-holding and hooded sweatshirts. I got to the bell tower and sat under the bells and thought about all of the before-times. It wasn't less complicated then, it was just different.

Tonight as I pulled out of my parking spot outside of the theater, time happened to me in a different way. It's not a fear, it's an unknown. Usually I get excited, but today I was terrified and alone behind the wheel, driving away from all of those potential lights.

Suddenly everything is real and there aren't any song lyrics to relate it to.
Tonight it's just me.

Square One

A Beautiful Mess (Jason Mraz)

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language, And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your adviceYour comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we areHere we are [x7]

We're still hereWhat a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

~One step forward and 42 steps back. Nothing is ever easy. Never.~

History

Last night history was made.
Personally, I voted in my very first election early yesterday morning.
I finally felt a part of my country's democratic process.
Not only did I turn out for my first election, but so did millions of other young people just like me.

6 hour lines, roof collapses, rainy weather, nothing kept the voters away from changing a country that has fallen so quickly from grace.
I'm proud that for once, the country was united for the people.
Regardless of party, this day marks a milestone for the colored community, the young community, the old community...records were set for everyone.
338 to 163, a landslide victory.

I only hope that this will be the change that we need, that this will be the difference that opens up the eyes of those who refuse to better their communities.
I'm proud to be a part of this day, and this country.

Remembering

Maybe it was just a dream?
Like if i opened my eyes too wide I wouldn't be there, I wouldn't be warm and cozy and familiar.
Maybe it was a tease, a trick of the memory as it rekindled feelings I hadn't ever really lost.
Maybe if I blink I'll be alone again.

Hand in Hand I had to learn again, unsure of how to ride this bike that had been put away for so long.
But like so many things, memory took hold and the new became a freshened version of the past.
Uninterested in the future the now became everything...and promised to continue for a while.
On halloween night, I remembered you.

Truely Happy.